Some Thoughts on the Single Life
Or Some Reflections & Opinions that You Can Take or Leave, but Here They Are
Yesterday was “Satisfied to be Single Day,” and I posted the quote above on Instagram. I had written down some thoughts about the single life a few weeks earlier, and thought it might be nice to share them in a long, rambling Instagram caption. But my thoughts were too long for Instagram and I ended up simply teasing the idea that I had written something. Well, I was surprised by how many said they would be interested in hearing them.
Then I realized, “Well, I do have another medium I could use,” and thought I’d post them here. I’ll warn you - I don’t have answers. Just observations.
If you disagree and think I’m way off base, feel free to comment. It’s not a bad topic about which to have a lively discussion, I think.
I usually avoid discussion of the single life. There was a time when I thought it might be part of my apostolate - filling the gap that exists in the Church when it comes to really serving Catholic singles. But I never felt like I knew exactly how to do that. I could see the problem, but not the solution. I never felt “called” to the single life; in fact, I wrestle with how it can even be called a vocation in the sense that marriage and religious life is - due to the lack of vows and firm commitment for life. I certainly never felt called to the consecrated single life.
I wrestled with how to serve Catholic singles, because I was never quite sure where we fit … which is why there is a gap and much suffering in the Church. There are some who want to serve singles by saying that single life without the permanence of vows is a vocation. But that does a disservice to those who do not feel called to a life of celibacy for the sake of the kingdom and do not have the much-needed communal like that makes celibacy possible. Then there are those who just want to push singles into marriage, any Catholic marriage, and thinks singles should focus all their efforts on finding a spouse on dating sites and at young adult mixers. But that begins to make marriage a golden calf - and after all, what do we then say to those singles in our pews that cannot get married?
So I was stuck. I wanted to do something about the gap I saw and I wanted to use my suffering, waiting, and confusion to serve others who were in the same situation as I was. But I did not know where to start because I did not know where we really fit in the Church. Single life is painfully lonely - in ways you can’t even understand unless you experience it. And I’m not speaking about single life at 20 or 21. If you were single then, yes, you thought you were lonely. But nothing compares to single life at 30 or 35... and, I would venture to guess 40, 45, and 50. I saw some people get married out of fear - afraid of the pain of loneliness - only to rush into marriages that were ill-advised and eventually quite unhappy.
It’s not that I was miserable; in fact, most days I wouldn’t even think of it. But then it would hit, unexpectedly - whether it was the desire for a good conversation with someone who understood, or for spousal love, or simply for someone that would eventually walk in the door and tell me they were home. And then I would find myself looking into the unknown future of years of that longing and void and wonder, Why?
I prayed and offered the pain up. I celebrated “Satisfied to be Single Day” every February 11 - not because I wanted to stay single, but because I wanted to remind myself that I needed to love the place where I was at that moment. Not that I wanted to stay there, but I needed to find peace there. Because if I couldn’t find peace in the waiting, or the confusion, or the pain, I would never find peace anywhere in life. I didn’t want to be single forever, but I knew all I could do at this moment was find peace and happiness and serve God right where he put me.
I’ll be on a podcast next month talking about last year’s career leap, and it’s a podcast specifically aimed towards Christian singles - Unsuitable with MaryB Safrit. (Since most of my readers here are Catholic, I want to note that this is not a Catholic podcast, so I might not agree with everything said on every episode, and you don’t have to either. But there used to be a time when that was okay and you could still discuss things with people. But I digress.) I recently was introduced to MaryB Safrit through our mutual friend Pieter (who is also doing great work for singles, particularly for those who feel called to singleness for the sake of the kingdom - an idea that does not have the support in other Christian communities like it does in the Catholic Church). MaryB is trying to fill the gap within the Christian community that I described above. How do you serve Christian singles? I don’t think the answer is in declaring single life without vows a vocation, nor is it pushing everyone into marriage. I don’t know what the answer is. But I’m glad MaryB is talking to a lot of people, witnessing with her life, and simply saying “I’m here too.”
And I love how MaryB speaks about our “right-now lives.” It might not be your life forever. But it might be. So how do you find meaning and purpose and peace in it? I suppose that’s one reason a very large emphasis in almost any talk I give is the point that our ultimate vocation is holiness. And we are called to that at every day of our lives. Right now. Wherever you are. No excuses. Because guess what? God knows where you are. He knows what your life looks like. And he’s not holding out on you. He’s giving you what you need to be holy every day.
So there are some thoughts.
If you’re single, I don’t know the answer to the why, to the loneliness, or to the confusion. And while I’m grateful that (God willing) single life won’t be my forever-life, I’m not going to pretend that I always knew that would be the case. I am also not going to tell you that if you pray hard enough, God will give you a spouse. (And to be honest, I have pretty mixed feelings about praying for your future spouse, but that is probably a discussion for another time).
But I will tell you - and those of you who are not single - that God is calling us all to be saints and giving us the grace to do it. Whatever your right-now life looks life.
The question left unanswered is how can the people in the Church do better?
Well said. I agree with you - working to be holy wherever you are in life is the key. Marriage becoming the golden calf was an excellent point.