Here is a thought. I m guessing that perhaps what approach might bring an answer for all this is the universal call to holiness. Living each moment and each environment with an enhanced knowledge that this is God here and now entering into the Divine dance with us may be a fruitful approach. How do we respond in the present moment? How do we live out our response to the great love which He is pouring out upon us in that particular way and through that particular channel? Trying to contain that event in our definitions of married or single is self limiting and cuts off many avenues of growth. Regardless of the intellectual integrity of any of this speculation, we may, or may not, experience an emotionally fulfilling response. I certainly wouldn't say that this is inconsequential, but I would posit that emotions are not the ultimate goal in our relationship with God. Having spiritual companions and the give and take of benevolent social interaction has a role which is not inconsiderable.
Many of the counsels of Jesus deal with living in the present. The admonition not to worry hinges on focusing on the here and now reality of God's enduring love for us. We hear this over and over again in the Gospels. I post all this as a lifelong married person who nevertheless experiences from time to time the existential loneliness of human existence.
My hope I may have landed on something of value to you in this conversation.
I was married, lost a child & divorced before I was 26 years old. After a rough start to adult life I had great careers and great friends and by my mid 30’s I never really aspired to marry again. There was family pressure for awhile but my family overall was very supportive of my life choices. I have always felt that I was able to do things in life I could or would have never done if I was married. The one issue that always haunted me was where I fit in the Catholic community. All the single groups made me uncomfortable because I always felt everyone was searching for a mate. Most priests I interacted with didn’t offer me much help on spiritual growth. I’m sure I was partly to blame because my attitude was not the best. Well here I am much wiser & much older and am making more of a concerted effort to have a relationship with God and am excited about the opportunities that are out there. Better late than never! We all must find our path. Good luck to you all and God bless your path.
Mary, thank you for sharing this! You are an inspiration to me. When I met you, I saw in you a zeal for life and a desire to drink life to the fullest. I totally agree with you about single groups, and I am so glad you have found peace and fulfilment.
I think a lot about how we can better discuss singlehood in the Catholic Church when it comes to our LGB+ brothers and sisters. Pieter has done me a lot of good through his ministry, but I'd love to hear more from a perspective that blends his organization's practical approach with Catholic theology. It's a conversation that is not only important to me personally, but also (I feel) to the future of the Church!
I am 55, never married, no kids. When I was 20, I decided I would never have children because of my recurrent episodes of severe depression that at times would become suicidal. It took me some 15 years to realize that meant I would never marry, since I believe artificial contraception is immoral and most men would not enter into a marriage without coitus. (Also, a marriage without coitus is not a true marriage and can be easily annulled.) I also have some degree of same-sex attraction: I would consider my sexual orientation as biromantic greysexual (almost, but not quite, asexual).
I don't feel particularly lonely: I live with my mother (who is 82 years old, completely bedbound after a series of falls that left a hairline fracture in her spine, and with a failing short-term memory loss that might be dementia) and younger brother. I am a Lay Carmelite who is active in my parish: I also have a writing group that means a lot to me. (I am writing a novel.) However, I long to escape my predicament and doubt that a God Whom I would consider loving would allow my predicament to last as long as it has. When I was in my thirties, I looked into consecrated life, but my history of depression put paid to that. Although the thought of living with congenial people appealed to me, I suspect that an important reason why I was interested in consecrated life was to escape my home situation.
I have trouble believing God has given me enough grace to live a holy life -- or at least, enough grace for me to flourish, not just survive by the skin of my teeth. I don't want to get married, but I have trouble believing the life I have is the life God intended me to have. I also have trouble believing God wants me to live the life I have. If He does want me to live the life I have, then I would suspect what God considers good is far from what I consider good -- and that God's conception of goodness is inferior to mine. (I often question God's goodness.) I know I am ridiculously proud, but there are times when I consider myself better than God. (There. I have said it. May God forgive me.) Not that I am a particular paragon of goodness -- I think my goodness is average -- but that God's goodness is inferior to the goodness of most people. Yet He is far more powerful than any of us. Really, I should stop now, since I have gone far from the topic of living a single life: I apologize.
Katheryn, I just had a inner nudge to mention the book I’m reading for spiritual reading right now to you. It’s called “Called to Life” by Fr Jacques Phillipe. I love his writing and this one has been particularly good for me right now. I don’t know why I felt nudged to mention it, but I thought I would listen.
First, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your crosses and questions. Secondly, I agree with Kristi - you didn't stray at all. This is exactly what I fear people in the Church are ignoring, even unintentionally. But there has to be a place for you and others who feel the same - and there are so many. Sadly, the discussions (if they exist at all) get derailed by arguments or judgments or agendas, and never seem to hit the real heart of this.
It's easy for me to sit here and type these words: "God does have a plan for you, and he is giving you grace, right here and now, in this moment," It's easy for me to say that. It can be very very hard to see it and believe it and feel it when you're reading those words that probably seem to be written by someone who has no idea.
God is good -- and I promise, heaven is worth all of this. He has a mysterious plan that also works with our own twists and turns and decisons, and his greatest desire is to have all of us in heaven with him forever. At the same time, we can't just tell people "suck it up, buttercup, all that matters is heaven," because I sincerely believe life isn't just a drudgery to be survived.
I'll be praying for you, Katheryn - and while I know that seems like a glib response, it isn't intended that way. Struggles and feelings like yours are precisely what were on my heart when I wrote this.
I don't think you have strayed far from the topic of living the single life - you are grappling with the very issues that Joan brought up. Your questions about the God's goodness are important questions.
Thank you for your openness and honesty. I have a better understanding of the struggles in the life of a single Catholic. This understanding will benefit my relationships with other singles.
Such a good reflection. This almost 37 year old single woman feels seen. But I think this sentence in the beginning might be part of the problem "And if you don’t care about the single life, you have my permission to stop reading." ... I do work in parish life and on average 20-30% of the people who are responding to parish surveys are single in one form or another (never married, widowed, separated, or divorced) ... and they feel unseen in the Church. The heartache of singleness is the concern of everyone in the Church, just like the heartache of unfruitful marriages is, the heartache of children leaving the church, the hardship we're experiencing with a lack of vocations. The heartache of the Church's members IS the concern of the Church's members.
We need to take care of one another and be Christ to one another. Not having "couples groups" and "singles groups" - but rather groups where all can grow in their ACTUAL vocation - holiness. This is what the "Universal Call to holiness" is really about - priesthood, marriage, religious life, consecrated single life - those are all means toward holiness. I keep telling myself that if the state I'm in right now isn't making me holy - then marriage won't either - and neither matter UNLESS they're making me holier.
So I think we need to preach on holiness more, make sure the mission of our Church is really to "Make Saints," support people in the joys AND sufferings within their state in life, and see the dignity of the person in all states - not treating marriage as the "fulfillment of all that can happen on earth."
There's not an answer specifically for engaging singles in Church life - not one answer anyway - but there are many people who don't feel like they fit in the Church, not just singles. We need to do a better job about seeing people on the margins and building relationships with them so they see Christ in the Church.
You are absolutely right, Katie. I shouldn't have given people an out like that. I found myself nodding and thinking "Amen!" after every paragraph you wrote. It's such a problem in our Church today, and so many people sitting in the pew have no idea what the person sitting in front of them or behind them is going through.
It's too late for the email list, but I'm deleting that sentence on the site's post. Because you're absolutely right, and that sentence actually contradicts what is in my heart. There is a crisis of loneliness in the Church right now, and I fear we are focusing on all the wrong things.
As I told someone this morning, I didn't write this post thinking of the 22 year old girl who is pining for a husband and thinks her life is over because she doesn't have a boyfriend. That suffering is real, yes, and I've been there. But it's not like the suffering of the 40 or 50 year old. Or the person who can't marry. There is real suffering that goes unseen right now, and we need to see it, recognize it, and help.
Three Additional Thoughts (I'm limiting myself because I could go on for hours):
1) THIS!!! "There is a crisis of loneliness in the Church right now, and I fear we are focusing on all the wrong things." ... Every day I fear we're focusing on the wrong things in a lot of areas in the Church. We need to start asking deeper questions so we can really hear what's going on in people's lives and bring Jesus right there into the hurt.
2) My loneliness/solitude as a late 30s single is nothing like when I was looking to get married in my 20s. In some ways it's deeper - and more a part of my identity than it was before. I've had to wrestle with "what if this never happens" - and while I might have said that before, it wasn't the same as it is now. That suffering is more than just wanting a date on Valentine's Day (which honestly I don't really care that much about).
3) Can we be best friends? Or create a place where single women can feel seen as full human beings, not just "people without husbands or children"? The hard part for me about V-Day (and kind of the whole Holiday season from Thanksgiving to Valentine's is feeling unseen by the world, and then I go to Mass and feel unseen by the Church. I know the Lord sees me, but His representatives on earth look away because they don't know how to "fix" what they perceive is wrong with me (my singleness). That's not really my problem at all - it's the same as theirs: pride, selfishness, a need for clarity and control. If we just started walking together, we might all get farther along!
The question left unanswered is how can the people in the Church do better?
Well said. I agree with you - working to be holy wherever you are in life is the key. Marriage becoming the golden calf was an excellent point.
Here is a thought. I m guessing that perhaps what approach might bring an answer for all this is the universal call to holiness. Living each moment and each environment with an enhanced knowledge that this is God here and now entering into the Divine dance with us may be a fruitful approach. How do we respond in the present moment? How do we live out our response to the great love which He is pouring out upon us in that particular way and through that particular channel? Trying to contain that event in our definitions of married or single is self limiting and cuts off many avenues of growth. Regardless of the intellectual integrity of any of this speculation, we may, or may not, experience an emotionally fulfilling response. I certainly wouldn't say that this is inconsequential, but I would posit that emotions are not the ultimate goal in our relationship with God. Having spiritual companions and the give and take of benevolent social interaction has a role which is not inconsiderable.
Many of the counsels of Jesus deal with living in the present. The admonition not to worry hinges on focusing on the here and now reality of God's enduring love for us. We hear this over and over again in the Gospels. I post all this as a lifelong married person who nevertheless experiences from time to time the existential loneliness of human existence.
My hope I may have landed on something of value to you in this conversation.
I was married, lost a child & divorced before I was 26 years old. After a rough start to adult life I had great careers and great friends and by my mid 30’s I never really aspired to marry again. There was family pressure for awhile but my family overall was very supportive of my life choices. I have always felt that I was able to do things in life I could or would have never done if I was married. The one issue that always haunted me was where I fit in the Catholic community. All the single groups made me uncomfortable because I always felt everyone was searching for a mate. Most priests I interacted with didn’t offer me much help on spiritual growth. I’m sure I was partly to blame because my attitude was not the best. Well here I am much wiser & much older and am making more of a concerted effort to have a relationship with God and am excited about the opportunities that are out there. Better late than never! We all must find our path. Good luck to you all and God bless your path.
Mary, thank you for sharing this! You are an inspiration to me. When I met you, I saw in you a zeal for life and a desire to drink life to the fullest. I totally agree with you about single groups, and I am so glad you have found peace and fulfilment.
I think a lot about how we can better discuss singlehood in the Catholic Church when it comes to our LGB+ brothers and sisters. Pieter has done me a lot of good through his ministry, but I'd love to hear more from a perspective that blends his organization's practical approach with Catholic theology. It's a conversation that is not only important to me personally, but also (I feel) to the future of the Church!
I am 55, never married, no kids. When I was 20, I decided I would never have children because of my recurrent episodes of severe depression that at times would become suicidal. It took me some 15 years to realize that meant I would never marry, since I believe artificial contraception is immoral and most men would not enter into a marriage without coitus. (Also, a marriage without coitus is not a true marriage and can be easily annulled.) I also have some degree of same-sex attraction: I would consider my sexual orientation as biromantic greysexual (almost, but not quite, asexual).
I don't feel particularly lonely: I live with my mother (who is 82 years old, completely bedbound after a series of falls that left a hairline fracture in her spine, and with a failing short-term memory loss that might be dementia) and younger brother. I am a Lay Carmelite who is active in my parish: I also have a writing group that means a lot to me. (I am writing a novel.) However, I long to escape my predicament and doubt that a God Whom I would consider loving would allow my predicament to last as long as it has. When I was in my thirties, I looked into consecrated life, but my history of depression put paid to that. Although the thought of living with congenial people appealed to me, I suspect that an important reason why I was interested in consecrated life was to escape my home situation.
I have trouble believing God has given me enough grace to live a holy life -- or at least, enough grace for me to flourish, not just survive by the skin of my teeth. I don't want to get married, but I have trouble believing the life I have is the life God intended me to have. I also have trouble believing God wants me to live the life I have. If He does want me to live the life I have, then I would suspect what God considers good is far from what I consider good -- and that God's conception of goodness is inferior to mine. (I often question God's goodness.) I know I am ridiculously proud, but there are times when I consider myself better than God. (There. I have said it. May God forgive me.) Not that I am a particular paragon of goodness -- I think my goodness is average -- but that God's goodness is inferior to the goodness of most people. Yet He is far more powerful than any of us. Really, I should stop now, since I have gone far from the topic of living a single life: I apologize.
Many thanks.
Katheryn, I just had a inner nudge to mention the book I’m reading for spiritual reading right now to you. It’s called “Called to Life” by Fr Jacques Phillipe. I love his writing and this one has been particularly good for me right now. I don’t know why I felt nudged to mention it, but I thought I would listen.
First, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your crosses and questions. Secondly, I agree with Kristi - you didn't stray at all. This is exactly what I fear people in the Church are ignoring, even unintentionally. But there has to be a place for you and others who feel the same - and there are so many. Sadly, the discussions (if they exist at all) get derailed by arguments or judgments or agendas, and never seem to hit the real heart of this.
It's easy for me to sit here and type these words: "God does have a plan for you, and he is giving you grace, right here and now, in this moment," It's easy for me to say that. It can be very very hard to see it and believe it and feel it when you're reading those words that probably seem to be written by someone who has no idea.
God is good -- and I promise, heaven is worth all of this. He has a mysterious plan that also works with our own twists and turns and decisons, and his greatest desire is to have all of us in heaven with him forever. At the same time, we can't just tell people "suck it up, buttercup, all that matters is heaven," because I sincerely believe life isn't just a drudgery to be survived.
I'll be praying for you, Katheryn - and while I know that seems like a glib response, it isn't intended that way. Struggles and feelings like yours are precisely what were on my heart when I wrote this.
I don't think you have strayed far from the topic of living the single life - you are grappling with the very issues that Joan brought up. Your questions about the God's goodness are important questions.
Thank you for your openness and honesty. I have a better understanding of the struggles in the life of a single Catholic. This understanding will benefit my relationships with other singles.
Such a good reflection. This almost 37 year old single woman feels seen. But I think this sentence in the beginning might be part of the problem "And if you don’t care about the single life, you have my permission to stop reading." ... I do work in parish life and on average 20-30% of the people who are responding to parish surveys are single in one form or another (never married, widowed, separated, or divorced) ... and they feel unseen in the Church. The heartache of singleness is the concern of everyone in the Church, just like the heartache of unfruitful marriages is, the heartache of children leaving the church, the hardship we're experiencing with a lack of vocations. The heartache of the Church's members IS the concern of the Church's members.
We need to take care of one another and be Christ to one another. Not having "couples groups" and "singles groups" - but rather groups where all can grow in their ACTUAL vocation - holiness. This is what the "Universal Call to holiness" is really about - priesthood, marriage, religious life, consecrated single life - those are all means toward holiness. I keep telling myself that if the state I'm in right now isn't making me holy - then marriage won't either - and neither matter UNLESS they're making me holier.
So I think we need to preach on holiness more, make sure the mission of our Church is really to "Make Saints," support people in the joys AND sufferings within their state in life, and see the dignity of the person in all states - not treating marriage as the "fulfillment of all that can happen on earth."
There's not an answer specifically for engaging singles in Church life - not one answer anyway - but there are many people who don't feel like they fit in the Church, not just singles. We need to do a better job about seeing people on the margins and building relationships with them so they see Christ in the Church.
You are absolutely right, Katie. I shouldn't have given people an out like that. I found myself nodding and thinking "Amen!" after every paragraph you wrote. It's such a problem in our Church today, and so many people sitting in the pew have no idea what the person sitting in front of them or behind them is going through.
It's too late for the email list, but I'm deleting that sentence on the site's post. Because you're absolutely right, and that sentence actually contradicts what is in my heart. There is a crisis of loneliness in the Church right now, and I fear we are focusing on all the wrong things.
As I told someone this morning, I didn't write this post thinking of the 22 year old girl who is pining for a husband and thinks her life is over because she doesn't have a boyfriend. That suffering is real, yes, and I've been there. But it's not like the suffering of the 40 or 50 year old. Or the person who can't marry. There is real suffering that goes unseen right now, and we need to see it, recognize it, and help.
Three Additional Thoughts (I'm limiting myself because I could go on for hours):
1) THIS!!! "There is a crisis of loneliness in the Church right now, and I fear we are focusing on all the wrong things." ... Every day I fear we're focusing on the wrong things in a lot of areas in the Church. We need to start asking deeper questions so we can really hear what's going on in people's lives and bring Jesus right there into the hurt.
2) My loneliness/solitude as a late 30s single is nothing like when I was looking to get married in my 20s. In some ways it's deeper - and more a part of my identity than it was before. I've had to wrestle with "what if this never happens" - and while I might have said that before, it wasn't the same as it is now. That suffering is more than just wanting a date on Valentine's Day (which honestly I don't really care that much about).
3) Can we be best friends? Or create a place where single women can feel seen as full human beings, not just "people without husbands or children"? The hard part for me about V-Day (and kind of the whole Holiday season from Thanksgiving to Valentine's is feeling unseen by the world, and then I go to Mass and feel unseen by the Church. I know the Lord sees me, but His representatives on earth look away because they don't know how to "fix" what they perceive is wrong with me (my singleness). That's not really my problem at all - it's the same as theirs: pride, selfishness, a need for clarity and control. If we just started walking together, we might all get farther along!
That sentence... "it's the same as theirs..." yes....
Just followed you on all the platforms and direct messaged you on IG, haha!